


Hope or what life means to me

by Bird of Smoke (smokeandwhistle)



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 06:46:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandwhistle/pseuds/Bird%20of%20Smoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I dreamed about a talk show, where some were people present. Everyone of them had a sign on him/her with a sentence written on it and the presenter (??) asked some of them about their signs. I wrote down what one of them said. I think it is kinda sad actually.... <br/>Well, I don´t know if it is more than nonsense..maybe some of you will like it. It´s constructed as a dialog :3</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope or what life means to me

**Author's Note:**

> My mother tongue is not english, so please excuse my mistakes :3

Your sign reads: Hope can come on small feet. 

Yes 

What does it mean?

I had a really hard time, many people I knew died far before they should step out of life. My best friend committed suicide after getting a broken heart. I lost the will to live. For months I had to visit more funerals than I could count. So many people who held a place in my heart. I died piece for piece alongside them. I lost parts of my soul with every person who left me. I hated them for leaving me behind. I couldn´t understand why this happened to me and why at that time. It was when my music albums were under the top ten in the sale category. When I was happier than ever before. I thought that maybe it was my fault

Your fault? What do you mean by that?

Well for every good thing happening, there also has to be a bad thing to come. And I got caught up in a vicious circle. I thought that maybe losing all those people was because my life was better than ever at this moment. You know as a kind of prize I had to pay. I blamed myself for all loses I had to endure. And I began to hate myself. I began to think things nobody should think about. 

What things? 

I thought about how it would feel to just vanish. To die and follow all those people. To be with them sooner than dying of age. I lost myself in those thoughts. My mind circled around the things I could use: a gun, drugs, sleeping pills, a rope. I repeated my death over and over in my head. Would somebody miss me or would they think that it was the right thing to do? That I really was to blame? The scars of some of those thoughts are still visible on my body.

They are visible? How? 

Once I took a knife, I just couldn´t bear with living anymore. I had lost to all the grief, the pain and the blame I had felt during that time. So I took it and sliced my artery´s open. I remember all the blood that covered the ground, dripping down from my wrists. Drop by drop. A steady rhythm, adapted to my heartbeat. The pain was indescribable. Slowly I sank to the floor as all life was pressed out of my body. But I was found, an old friend of mine discovered me on the floor. She was paying a visit to see who I coped with all the grief. The ambulance was able to save me and so that attempt to end my life didn´t work.

So you are talking about your scars? From your wrist slashing?

Yes I´m talking about those scars. They remind me every day that I once tried to end my life. That I once lost to my emotions and went with the spur of the moment. That I was weak and not strong enough to deal with pain as every human being has to. And it also reminds me of that one encounter that saved my whole being.

You were saved by just one encounter? Than that must have been a really strong encounter, right? 

Well if you had meet her you definitely wouldn´t have said that. I think nobody would refer such words to an eight year old girl. 

An eight year old child? You are right I wouldn´t refer such words to a child. So how did she save you? I´m really curious now. 

I ran away from the hospital after I woke up there. I was so angry and so full of shame, I hated myself because I wasn´t able to kill myself and because I tried to kill me. I ran and ran, through the streets and across places. I had lost my orientation long ago and was just fleeing from everything. Until I fell down in a lonely street, it was near midnight and heavy rain dripped down on my head. My breath was unsteady and my heart aching. I thought about what coincidences had brought me to this place, at this time, in this city. And I laughed, I could help myself, I laughed and laughed. Tears streaming down my face. They turned to sobs shortly after, the laughing again. Tears, Laughs, Tears, Laughs. It seemed to go on for hours and hours. I was becoming crazy. But then I snapped out of my weird behaviour. A sudden sound broke the surrounding silence. 

A sound? 

Yeah it sounded like really quiet steps you know, just barely audible. I looked up and there she stood. A little girl with golden hair and ash grey eyes, she held a teddy bear in her arms. I thought that I had died without me noticing and that an angel was coming to get me. Or a devil who looked like an angel. Because hell was maybe the better place for me. How could god still love me after all those things I died? On the second glance I discovered that the girl was covered in mood, dirt and that she looked really skinny. Silently she sat down next to me and took my hand into her small one. Gently she brushed my palm and smiled at me. 

What happened then? Did you talk with her? 

No we didn´t talk, we just sat in silence. And then she began to sing…her voice was really beautiful. I never had heard such a voice before. It soothed the pain on my soul and helped me to relax a little bit. As I closed my eyes I began to listen to the song. And then I discovered it. Guess what? 

Hmm… I don´t know… maybe a song you knew? 

It was not just a song I knew, it was my song. The first song I ever wrote: “Endless Sky” 

Look up above the endless sky   
See the birds they fly so high   
Life is not always bearable   
But you have to win to go 

She sang it so beautifully, so full of life and energy. I couldn´t resist and so I sang with her. Over and over we repeated that song, until our voices became horse. The last tunes faded and silence returned again. After some time she stood up and planted her fragile hand on the top of my head. She came closer, pressed a kiss to my forehead and murmured: “Life doesn´t end because you encountered really painful times. We have to survive those hardships and we have to move on. To make that place, the earth, a better place to live in. Not just for us but also for all the other people. We aren´t the only ones who have to encounter hard times, there are also many other people who suffer. Visible and Invisible. Together and Alone. I believe that you are strong enough to survive your pain and your loss. That you are able to move on and do something good to the place you call home. Even if it´s just a little bit you can do, a small plant also can grow and spend life.”  
After those words she vanished into the shadows. I sat there dazed and thought about the thinks she had said. And she was right, I had to live not only for myself but also for all my friends, family members and all other people. I was someone who had influence, I could change things in a greater extent. So I stood up and moved on. I wrote new songs and improved my skills. 

Did you ever met that girl again? 

No I didn´t. Up until now I don´t even know if that encounter was real or just made up in my mind. I wasn´t myself at that time. I was going crazy. But I believe that she was real, that she was there to help me. A magical encounter if you want to call it so. 

You said that you had influence, well you also have much influence in the present. Not only as a singer, but also as a role model. Can you tell us some things about the things you do?? 

I always try to be a good example for all the young teens who follow me. I don´t use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke. Whenever I have a concert in a town I visit the hospital, talk with the people there and sing for them. I encourage people to live a healthy lifestyle and to look out for each other. I have set up different foundations and use half of my money to help people all around the world. I also have many animals and I want to show that you should them with the needed respect. I use my name to fight against discrimination. So well that are a few examples of the things I do. It´s not much but I hope it changes the earth to, at least, a little bit more peaceful and friendly place. 

Thank you so much for your open answers.

No, I have to thank you for listening to my story. And at the end I want to say one thing: You only have on life, so use it wise, not just for your one benefit but also for everyone else’s. We are all just visitors who stay here for a limited time. Life so that when you die you want regret anything. Set your heart at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and/or comments ;3


End file.
